Speed Dating In Bikini Bottom
by Mabel juice
Summary: Mr. Krabs arranges a speed dating event in The Krusty Krab. Unlucky Squidward is forced to participate in that madness. Humor fic, and some angst in later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: I wanted to write a silly fanfic, and trying to keep the characters in character. It's a challenge to write in a cartoony way but very fun! If the accents of the characters sound funny it's because I'm not a native English speaker. This is going to be a multichapter fic.

* * *

 _Ah, a beautiful day in the Bikini Bottom. Bubbles bubble after the title cards. The French narrator disappears from now on because he sounds annoying in the written form._

The Krusty Krab was bustling with customers. A slouched, tired looking cephalopod behind the register sighed and looked at his watch. An hour until the closing time, his favorite time of the day. And Spongebob's least favorite time of the day. Speaking of the little yellow devil, Spongebob had been laughing more annoyingly than usually that day, driving Squidward insane. Squidward had become quite passive over the years and didn't tell his co-worker to shut up so spicily anymore. He had given up hope for things ever looking up for him.

His depressing musings were interrupted by the shrieking sounds of table moving half an hour later. Spongebob was arranging the tables to a big circle in the dining area.

"SPONGEBOB!" Squidward yelled in annoyance. "What are you doing, you barnacle brain?! I am NOT going to clean after you!"

"Ta-ahahaha!" Spongebob laughed his trademark laugh. "Oh Squidward, tonight is gonna be so amazing!" He then giggled with glee and with a lightning speed he put two chairs on every table to face each other.

Squidward was just about to yell some more when he heard the familiar sound of his boss' little crab feet approaching.

"MR. KRABS! Spongebob is ruining the interior decoration order of The Krusty Krab!" Squidward exclaimed in a melodramatic fashion.

"Ek ek ek ek!" Krabs just laughed jovially. "Oh Squidward, don't you remember what day today is, me boyo?"

"Annoy Squidward day?" Squidward answered with a deadpan face and started to slurp his drink.

"No, silly!" Krabs smiled. "It's the Krusty Krab's first speed date day ever!"

Squidward drank the kelp juice down the wrong pipe and spitted the drink out in shock. "A WHAT?" he asked, not believing his ear holes.

Spongebob ran in front of the register smiling like a dumb sun. "A speed dating event here at the Krusty Krab!" he waved his arms in excitement. "It's gonna be soo wonderful!"

Mr. Krabs pushed the over-ecstatic fry cook out of the way. "Didn't I remember to tell you?" he asked teasingly.

Squidward crossed his tentacle arms in frustration. "APPARENTLY NOT!" he said with not a soft voice. Just when he had thought his day couldn't get any worse, universe proved him wrong, once again. "My shift is about to end in 15 minutes, and then I'm outta here and from this madness!"

Krabs' whole demeanor changed when he heard Squidward's words. His face darkened and his long eyeballs bent so much that they almost touched Squidward's face. "Did I also forgot to tell you lad", he said with a low, menacing voice while squinting his eyes, "that the participation for the event is MANDATORY for all of the Krusty Krab's employees if they are to keep their job?!"

Squidward gulped and tried to back away from the angry eyestalks that successfully invaded his personal space. "But sir! Why on Neptune are you doing this? Is this another one of Spongebob's stupid ideas?" he then said and glared accusingly at the said sponge who smiled stupidly at him.

"Oh, Mr. Squidward", Krabs spoke with his jovial yet a bit demeaning tone again. "It's me own idea! And why am I doing this, you ask? Well, since there are so many lonely fish in the sea here in Bikini Bottom, I thought I would help to bring the romantic souls together!"

Squidward eyed him suspiciously. "And?" he said and waved his other hand in the manner that told Mr. Krabs to continue.

Krabs straightened himself and cleared his throat. "And… well, there is a 10 bucks participation fee for the speed dating."

"I see."

"And to show some spirit of the event, I want you, Mr. Squidward, to participate in the event as well."

Squidward's eyes almost popped out from his head for those words. Before he could open his mouth to say his objection, a crowd of eager looking fish were flooding from the door of Krusty Krab. Delighted from such a beautiful sight of paying customers, Mr. Krabs scuttled close to them and started charging them the fee.

"Oh go sit down, the event is just about to start!" He encouraged them. A tear came from his eye when he saw the amount of dollars in his claw. Money tended to make him very sentimental. He felt touched, but more importantly, rich. So much money for him to count before the bed time! That always helped him to fall asleep.

The happy looking fish went to sit around the tables while Spongebob sat on one table outside the circle with a timer in his hand. Mr. Krabs pushed Squidward on one free chair.

"Hey! How come Spongebob is not participating in this idiocy?!" Squidward protested.

"Ek ek ek!" Krabs laughed and patted his cashier's back roughly. In such a force that almost smashed Squidward's inner organs to pieces. "Spongebob is of course the one who is in charge of the timer! Every date is only two minutes long, ye see!"

Squidward rubbed his aching back and still tried to continue his objections. "Why couldn't I do that instead of that yellow ray of doom?!"

Mr. Krabs nudged Squidward's side and whispered: "Because you are in more desperate need of a date, I'm sure me lad!" He then winked and scuttled away.

"Gee, thanks." Squidward rolled his eyes and snorted. The nerve of that guy!

Almost all of the chairs were occupied now. Squidward held his head in defeat, not looking around him when Spongebob announced that the event had started. The ticking sound of the timer started.

"Hi ya there!" a voice said in front of Squidward.

Squidward raised his head from the surface of the table and looked up. A gold fish with pearl necklace was sitting in front of him. She was in her forties.

"Isn't this exciting?! I have never been in such an event before!" she continued with a wide smile.

"Me neither", Squidward said with a bored tone.

"After a divorce from my husband I thought why not trying something wild? Ahaha!" the gold fish said with a gleam in her eyes.

"Uh-huh."

The fish leaned closer to Squidward. People sure liked to invade his personal space today, Squidward thought. The fish lady moved her chair right next to Squidward and then she whispered: "I am into younger men, you see." She touched Squidward's hand.

"Uh-huh."

"And you know, I have never been in a closer relationship with an octopus before", the fish said flirtingly and continued touching his hand.

"UH-HUH." Squidward was sweating now. Just his typical luck to get a total crackpot as his first speed date. "You know, I think the time is already up, I better start moving to the next table!" he said nervously and tried to flee from the fish's touch.

The gold fish didn't let go of Squidward's hand and just tightened her grip. Just when Squidward was near a panic attack the timer made a sound to indicate that the time really was up. Squidward sighed in relief and quickly hurried to the next table.

He breathed deeply to calm his nerves and swiped the sweat from his large forehead. Then he took the closer of look the person sharing the table.

"Oh hi Squidward!" a pink starfish said happily and waved his hand.

"PATRICK?!" Squidward shouted in disbelief. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

"Oh, one Krabby Patty, please. With extra big fries", Patrick said.

"THAT'S IT! NEXT!" Squidward yelled and walked to the next table his hands balled up into fists, violently pushing a purple male fish from the chair and then sitting on it himself.

"Well howdy partner!" a perky voice with a thick Texan accent said.

Squidward looked at the scientist squirrel in surprise. "Sandy? You are here too?"

"Of course I am! This is an interesting scientific experiment!"

Squidward looked at her. He hadn't really talked with her that much, only briefly on those occasions when Spongebob managed to drag all of his friends to do something stupid, usually to some stupid party of his. Sandy was one of those few of the more level-headed Bikini Bottom inhabitants, Squidward mused. And I guess she has an exotic mammal charm to her, he thought while watching her fur which unsurprisingly was a rarity at the bottom of the sea.

"Oh you look fancy tonight, Squidward!" Sandy said just after when Spongebob had somehow sneaked next to him and put a stylish bowtie on Squidward's neck. Squidward then blushed for the comment and Sandy's eyes on him.

"Soo… Sandy, have you seen any nice art exhibitions lately?" Squidward then quickly asked before he felt too awkward about the whole situation.

"Art exhibitions? Why would I go to those? Such useless nonsense!" Sandy said with a puzzled expression.

Squidward felt his spirits sunk. He had seen some potential in the squirrel but hearing her saying that visual arts were "useless nonsense" was unacceptable. "Umh, how about music then? What is your favorite type of music? Mine is-"

"Music? I have no time for music, except when I make a scientific breakthrough and sing a happy little country song!" Sandy interrupted and stared in the distance, imagining how her next inventions would look like.

"Oh", Squidward said sadly. He possibly couldn't date anyone who had so different interests than him and who so openly disliked the focus of his passion. For a brief second he had thought that maybe he could have gone to an actual date with Sandy. Sheesh, I must be desperately lonely, Squidward mentally scolded at himself. Maybe Mr. Krabs was onto something.

The timer made the sound again and Spongebob giggled happily. "All right, time to move again! Maybe you'll find your true love at the next table!"

Squidward shuddered for Spongebob's tacky words. "I somehow doubt it", he muttered under his breath with his usual fed up voice while he lazily dragged his feet to the next table. He didn't even blink when he saw who was occupying the other chair.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note:** The craziness continues! This chapter was extremely funny to write. How will the rest of the speed dates go? (Ahaha, poor Squidward must always suffer!)

This fanfic will have at least four chapters. Have fun! P.S. Can you spot a Gravity Falls reference in this chapter?

* * *

"Why Plankton, what a surprise to see you here", Squidward said with a sarcastic voice.

"Eheh, hello err, Squidward was it? Not many ladies here tonight, eh?" Plankton answered nervously.

"You can say that again", Squidward said while looking at Patrick who was trying to eat a table near them.

"So what brings you here today? Don't you have that computer wife of yours? Or are you seeking for a newer model?" Squidward asked and laughed his nose laughter at his own joke. "Newer MODEL…"

"Ha ha, very funny", Plankton said, meaning the opposite.

Squidward sobered up and continued the questions: "Or… are you by any chance trying to do some industrial spying?"

"Me?! Why I would never… trying to steal a Krabby Patty formula during a date event, why I never! How could you even say such a thing?" Plankton said with an innocent voice that made the burglar alarms to go off in the neighborhood.

"I didn't. You just said that yourself."

"Ahaha, you misheard me! What I meant to say was: isn't it a beautiful evening?!" Plankton said with a nervous smile, sweat dripping from his tiny head.

"Oh, now I know why you are here! You came here to woo Krabs, you sneaky little man!" Squidward joked and winked at the tiny one-eyed creature.

"What?! Me and Krabs?! Don't be crazy!" Plankton said with a flustered voice, he didn't like the sudden direction of the conversation.

The timer went off again and Squidward parting words for Plankton made the little green organism actually blush: "See you at your wedding! May I be the best man? Ha ha!"

Squidward smiled to himself. At least in this wretched town there was at least one other person that had even worse luck than he did.

He took a look of his next "date". It was a green chubby fish. Spongebob and Krabs really hadn't thought this whole thing through, he thought. Not enough girls for all the guys participating. Not that the genders and such of the fish mattered to Squidward that much. All that mattered was the intellectual conversation which he hadn't gotten so far. Maybe this time would be luckier?

"Hello there, my name is Squidward", Squidward greeted the fish as a forced try of playing the cheesy dating game. "So tell me, what do you like?"

"CHOCOLATE!" the fish yelled so loudly that it formed an air current that made Squidward's lips flap in wind. Squidward wasn't sure was the fish angry or just passionate about chocolate. Probably both.

"Ooo-okay", Squidward said looking at the strange fish. "What do you want in your life?" he asked with a forced curiosity. What he had learn from TV's dating shows was that you had to ask questions like that quickly in a row from your date.

"CHOCOLATE!" the fish yelled now even louder. He shook like a madman while yelling.

"Umh, right, right, okay!" Squidward said trying to calm down the fish. He didn't think asking questions would be a good idea anymore so he stopped talking and sat in silence.

The green fish opened his mouth and asked: "And…do you…like…CHOCOLATE?!"

Again the air current flapped Squidward's lips. The force of the wind made his chair fall on the ground and his back slammed on the floor.

Squidward trembled in terror and squeaked: "Well…I..."

"DO YA?!"

"I.."

"TELL ME!"

"I…"

"YES?!"

"It's okay!" Squidward whimpered.

"OKAY?! OKAY?! You are saying that chocolate is OKAY?"" the mad fish roared.

Squidward shielded his head with his arms and said with a tiny voice: "Yes?"

"JUST OKAY?!" the fish looked at him with a mad gleam in his eyes.

Luckily for Squidward the time ran up and the timer made its familiar zing sound.

"Don't call me, I call you!" he called out to the chocolate guy who had teared his own shirt apart while yelling.

Squidward quickly sunk to the next chair and said out loud: "Phew! I thought that would never end! I am not sure how much of this I can take anymore…"

"Ek ek ek ek! Boyo, are you tired already?! Have ye met yer love of yer life of yet?"

Squidward did a double take to the crab sitting comfortably in the chair. "MR. KRABS?! Why are you taking a part in this crazy thing?!" he yelled. Then again, nothing surprises me anymore, he then cynically added in his mind.

"Well you know, I don't want to look like some old geezer in front of me little girl Pearly! She will love this youthful wild daddy she has when she hears I'm speed dating!" Mr. Krabs said half-excited, half-embarrassed while scratching the back of his neck with his claw.

"Wow, you are so hip", Squidward said sarcastically.

"Why thank you Mr. Squidward, Pearl will probably be over the moon to hear that", Mr. Krabs smiled, totally oblivious to the piercing, ice cold sarcasm á la Squidward. "Or should I say Squiddy now that it's after hours of work?" Krabs added sleazily and leaned closer to Squidward.

"What?! Mr. Krabs, you are making me feel very uncomfortable right now!" Squidward sweated in puzzlement of his boss' behaviour.

"Well, let's put some smooth music to create some mood for me date, shall we?" Mr. Krabs said and wiggled his eyebrows that was probably meant to look flirtatious, but only looked disturbing to Squidward. Krabs took a radio out of nowhere and opened a channel that had romantic jazz.

Squidward looked with empty eyes in front of him to nowhere in particular and rose from his seat. "Well, this is getting weird", he retorted and was about to walk away from his crazy boss when Krabs grabbed his arms and threw him back to his seat.

"Wait, sonny! You still haven't seen my crustacean mating dance!" Mr. Krabs exclaimed, clearly too lost in the idea of his dating event to realize to whom he was "flirting" with. He started a weird looking dance while clacking his claws fiercely like a flamenco dancer does with castanets. Squidward looked at the display in confusion and wonder.

"I didn't know you could dance so well, Mr. Krabs!" surprised Squidward said in amazement, trying to ignore for what exactly was that dance for.

"Why thank you, Squidward! That means a lot coming from a dancer like yerself!" Mr. Krabs said looking pleased, yet embarrassed after realising what he just did. He awkwardly sat back on his chair and clasped his claws together.

"So…" Squidward said avoiding the gaze of his boss and trying to change the mood of this awkward encounter.

"Yeah… umh", Krabs said with similar attempts.

Suddenly they both noticed that a romantic candle had appeared in front of them.

"Whattaa?! Spongebob!" Squidward groaned.

"Wait, how long is two minutes?! Shouldn't the time have gone up by now?" Mr. Krabs said looking puzzled and knocked his watch in his wrist.

Spongebob appeared next to them and giggled: "Tahaha! I thought that why should I interrupt you guys with the timer as things were going so smoothly between you two here." He poked Krabs with a knowing look which made Krabs cry in frustration: "SPONGEBOB! Quit fooling around and go set that timer again, otherwise you make me customers' tempers rise!"

"And **yours**!" Spongebob laughed while skipping back to his position.

" **AND MINE**!" Krabs concurred while smashing his claws on the table.

Squidward rose from his chair and dusted off the non-existing dust from his shirt. saw the other's movement and understood the gesture.

"Ehehe, well, that was weir- fun, wasn't it? See you tomorrow at work then!" he said to his employee.

"Uh, yeah, see ya, Eugene", Squidward answered awkwardly. "I mean, BOSS." Well, that sure was strange, Squidward thought while walking to the final table. He rolled his eyes again. He felt like his pupils were spinning all day long in this crazy food joint. Thank god this is soon over and I can go home and continue being miserable, he thought, his eyebrows furrowed deeper than normally.

The last date of the evening was… Larry The Lobster. Before Squidward could say anything sarcastic, the muscleman snapped angrily: "Hey, where are all the beach babes?! You are just some ugly dude with a giant nose! This event stinks!"

Squidward was steaming. He was shaking because he felt so furious. He had had enough. Crazy people he could deal with, but crazy people who insulted him he could not stand. With some never before seen strength he actually punched the big lobster straight to his mouth, making Larry pay for dentist bills for years to come. Squidward then angrily stomped away from the restaurant, slamming the door after him with force and muttering enraged words while walking towards his house.

On the half way of the way back home Spongebob spurted next to him and asked with a happy smile: "So Squidward, how did it go?"

Squidward, his teeth clenched, turned his glance to Spongebob. "Oh, marvellously."

"OOH! REALLY?!" Spongebob said, gasping in excitement.

"Why yes, Spongebob", Squidward continued with his silky, dangerous voice that people around him always misunderstood. "I had so much fun! So many new people I can date! Oh, they love me!"

"OOH! REALLY?!" said Spongebob, who had not been blessed in birth with the gift of sarcasm, eyes glistening with joy.

"NO, NOT REALLY!" Squidward then yelled to his neighbour's face.

"What?!" Spongebob asked in confusion. "You didn't have fun? And they don't like you? And it didn't go well?!"

"No I didn't! And yes they don't! And NO! It didn't!" Squidward yelled. "Actually it went horribly! And it just made me realize even more that I always will be a loner! Nobody here likes me! Even though this stupid town has only weird people, I still always feel left out and not part of anything!" Squidward suddenly stopped his tirade after realizing what he had just said. Was his life truly that sad? He felt something in his chest tighten and his eyes were slowly glistening with tears. Suddenly he felt very tired. He quickly swiped his tears away, not wanting Spongebob to see him like this.

Spongebob stared at his co-worker in shock. He had no words. Squidward then walked to door of his Easter island head house and searched his keys from his pocket with slumped shoulders. Spongebob looked at his dear neighbour's defeated form when the octopus opened the door and went in, sighing melancholically.

"I thought speed dating would bring smile on everyone's faces, not the weighting feeling of utter sadness!" Spongebob exclaimed in horror of the sudden development of the events. "This isn't what I had in mind when I convinced Mr. Krabs to make Squidward to participate to the date night!"

Spongebob helplessly looked at the window of Squidward's bedroom. He could see Squidward's slumped form spreading the curtains to cover the window and then putting the lights out from the room. Spongebob could hear a small sob coming from the room.

For some reason, he suddenly felt hesitant to go comfort Squidward. It felt too… invading. Not that he usually cared about the guy's privacy. But this time it felt different… serious. He wasn't quite sure what he should do. Spongebob slogged to his pineapple house and absent-mindedly fed Gary.

I must do something to help him. I must cheer him up! were Spongebob's last thoughts before he fell asleep in his bed. The house next to him was silent but its resident didn't sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** First of all, thank you so much for all the lovely reviews! It makes me so happy people are enjoying this craziness! It's super fun to write Spongebob characters. I watched the episodes nonstop during spring (also I just loved the new episode "Married to Money" so much! Krabs is amazing) so the characters are pretty much in my head all the time. And second of all: sorry for taking so long with this third chapter! Internship kept me too busy even though I have had this chapter in my drafts for a long time now. This chapter is the angsty part of the story, haha! I still hope I managed to keep it somewhat spongey enough. Besides, Squidward can be rather angsty and dramatic in the show too. Bless him! Poor guy has to go through so much! Like... in this chapter.

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The next morning Squidward woke up feeling utterly drained. He had barely slept during the night, overwhelmed by the crazy events of the last evening and depressing feelings it had evoked in him (behind his sarcastic exterior he was very hesitant and sensitive creature so he didn't take insults well). He was a bit late from work. He didn't have time to wash up and he avoided looking in the mirror before he opened his front door and left for work. His brown shirt was wrinkly as he had forgotten to change to his night clothes before going to bed. Actually Squidward had just rolled himself under his bed and slept there, as he always did when he felt more miserable than usually. Which meant three times per week.

He walked to Krusty Krab's door and felt the knot in his stomach tighten. He didn't feel like being around people right now. He opened the door and it felt like forever when he walked to the counter. It felt like all of the customers' eyes were on him (who even eats a Krabby Patty this early?! Squidward pondered in annoyance). He hid behind the register and wished in vain that no one would come to order food today.

Larry's remark about his looks still rang in his mind. It wasn't the first time someone had commented about his appearance in such a harsh way. He tried to ignore that type of comments, looks weren't everything after all, but they still left him feel self-conscious. He tried to convince himself he was good-looking and great but now he felt that he was just lying to himself.

He could hear Spongebob's happy humming from the kitchen. I should be hiding there behind the grill and not doing the customer service in front of everyone, he sadly thought. A fish came to order a Krabby Patty meal and Squidward rang the bell. Spongebob immediately appeared in front of the tiny window.

"Oh Squidward! I didn't hear you coming! So nice to see you!" Spongebob said cheerfully, eyes sparkling.

Squidward dismissed Spongebob's words sceptically, keeping his gaze on ground and then turned back to the customer line. After serving all of the customers in line, he went to the bathroom. While washing his hands there, he glanced to mirror and froze. Under his eyes were dark circles and his eyes were still bloodshot from crying he did before he had fallen asleep last night. He looked at his face in general and felt bad. Larry was right, his nose was huge. It was a wonder that no one else in that silly speed dating event had commented about his ugliness. Squidward was now wallowing in full self-pity, and he only barely realized it anymore. He plodded away from the toilet feeling sadder than when going in there, if possible.

Just when he was about to go back to the register, a grumpy looking Mr. Krabs was signalling Squidward to come to his office. Squidward followed him and waited anxiously for his boss to state his business. He wordlessly sat on the seat in front of Mr. Krabs' desk after the crab had gestured him to sit there. His boss wasn't looking happy.

"Mr. Squidward", Mr. Krabs said in a sharp tone, "You were 15 minutes late from work today!"

Usually Squidward couldn't care less about such things like being late or his boss being mad at him but now he felt small for some reason.

"I am sorry", he said in a thin voice, his gaze lowered to his feet.

"Me customers had to wait because of yer lolly-gagging! That kind of a thing makes me lose me money!" Mr. Krabs said agitated. "Just because you do overwork doesn't mean you can oversleep!"

"I understand", Squidward said uncharacterically sheepishly for him. Usually he would have fought back to such crazy demands of the greedy crab.

"Well, good thing that yesterday's business experiment gave me lots of money! And wasn't it fun?" Krabs thought out loud with a happier tone, dollar symbols in his eyes. He waited for his employee to say something, like complimenting his great business idea but the cephalopod was strangely quiet this morning.

"Well, what are ye waiting for, Mr. Squidward?! Go back to work! Me customers are waiting!" Krabs then irrationally commanded.

Squidward hurried quickly from the office, looking more slouched and tired. For some reason Mr. Krabs felt a little pang of guilt. It was quickly forgotten though as he noticed a nickle near his feet. "Come to papa!" he said and kissed the coin.

Spongebob had thought ways of cheering up his favorite octopus all morning but the big orders of Krabby Patties (several busloads of kids' sport teams had stopped by around 11 am, full of hungry young fish) had kept the yellow fry cook busy. After that, things slowed down in The Krusty Krab. On his break, Spongebob came out of his kitchen to greet Squidward, but the register boat was empty.

"Huh? Where did he go?" Spongebob wondered. He then walked to backroom to get some more buns for the patties. There, in the corner, sat Squidward. Squidward had his arms wrapped around his four tentacle feet that were touching his bent head. As if he was trying to look as small as possible. Which was rather challenging, considering how tall he was. Spongebob approached him slowly.

"Squidward? Is everything all right?" he asked carefully while studying the exhausted looking octopus.

Squidward was startled by the sudden voice and sprang up. He plastered a fake smile on his face and answered to his co-worker: "Ahah, yeah! Everything is fine! Why wouldn't it be? I- I was just having a little break!" He wasn't willing to show to Spongebob how he really felt. After the talk with Krabs and dealing with a herd of customers, Squidward had felt so drained that he had to go rest in the backroom for a while. He should have picked a better hiding place though.

Spongebob looked at him quizzically. Then he smiled.

"Oh great! I was worried you were feeling down in the dumps because of the yesterday!" the gullible sponge chuckled.

Squidward frowned and turned his back to Spongebob so he couldn't see his expression. "Eh, don't be silly. Now run along, don't you have those patties to make? I'm coming just in a minute!"

Spongebob happily skipped from the room, a bag of buns in his hand. Squidward let his façade rumble after the fry cook had disappeared from his sight. This day really wasn't his day either. He covered his face in his hands and quietly sobbed out of tiredness and misery. He wished he could have contained himself until his shift ended but holding back tears felt too challenging at this point.

Spongebob had just went out of the room but had stayed behind the door. For his upset, he now saw his friend crying helplessly in the backroom. I wish he would talk to me about his problems, Spongebob thought in worry when he looked through the small window in the door. But he already had an idea forming in his brain how he would be able to cheer Squidward up.

Squidward shortly returned to his cash register duties, after washing up his face. Not that it probably helped to hide his puffy eyes, he pondered in frustration. Pull yourself together, Squiddy! He commanded himself in his mind. He felt embarrassed crying in a public place.

Customers came and went, many of them giving odd looks to the cashier. Squidward tried to avoid direct eye contact with them. Mr. Krabs came from time to time to check up on him, which Squidward found a bit weird. Was he on the crab's black list or something?!

The shift finally ended four hours later. Squidward counted the cash and locked the register. He was just about to step away from the register boat when overenergetic Spongebob was breathing in excitement in front of him.

"What do you want?" Squidward asked with his usual bored tone that he used on Spongebob.

"Oh I have something special planned for us tonight!" Spongebob said friendly.

"Well you can cancel those plans, Spongebob, because I'm going to straight to bed after work!" Squidward snapped and started to walk to the door, his suction cups making their usual noise.

"WAIT!" Spongebob shouted and lunged to Squidward, grabbing his feet.

"I want you to come to a speed tea party at my place!" he said excitedly. "It's going to cheer you up so well after the yesterday!"

Squidward put his hands on his hips and looked grumpily at his neighbour. "How is that going to cheer me up?! And what even is a speed tea party if I even dare to ask?!"

"It's a tea party but you need to change seats every two minutes!" Spongebob laughed happily for his new invention. "I know how much you love tea parties so I thought that would surely make you feel better!"

"For your information, I like tea parties alone! Not with people", Squidward grunted while trying to get away from Spongebob's grip.

"But everything is better with a friend!" Spongebob innocently chimed.

"I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND!" Squidward yelled. Then he looked at the still smiling sponge in his feet. Spongebob was so happy, so positive, always so optimistic and friendly to everyone. Squidward was unhappy, negative and grumpy. Squidward felt a lump in his throat and he sniffed.

"Why would you even want to waste your time on me?" he then asked, looking at Spongebob's blue eyes searchingly. "Don't you have something better to do, like hanging out with Patrick?"

Spongebob was taken aback by Squidward's question. "But Squidward, you are in the dire need of a friend, nothing is more important than making you feel happy!" he said seriously.

Now it was Squidward's turn to be taken aback. "Spongebob, I don't know what to say…" he was genuinely a tiny bit touched of the sponge's caring attitude towards him.

"Say you come to my tea party!" Spongebob said, clasping his hand to Squidward's hand.

Squidward smiled a little (something he practically never did in the presence of Spongebob). "Oh all right, I guess I could join you for a little while", he said reluctantly, feeling a bit better than before. Spongebob was acting less annoying than normally today, he mused.

Spongebob's smile widened and he laughed cheerfully. He sang a happy song during the whole journey back to their street. Squidward groaned half-heartedly. So much for the sponge being less annoying than usually.

Spongebob opened his door and let Squidward walk into his pineapple home first. Squidward gazed around the house. He hadn't been there for a long time. Everything was neat and clean and brightly colored.

"I'll go make the tea, make yourself comfortable meanwhile, Squiddy", Spongebob called out from his kitchen.

Squidward eyed the sofa suspiciously. Last time he had sat on it, it had had snail slime all over it. However, now it was clean and Squidward dared to sit on it. He left out a long huff. The day had been so long and rough and now it finally kicked in with the full force. Squidward hoped that this time Spongebob wouldn't fool around that somehow ended up making him suffer violently. He just didn't have energy for that now.

He noticed a photo album on the table. His curiosity got the best of him and he opened the album to have a look of Spongebob's memories. For his discomfort, this was the same photo album that Spongebob and Patrick used for filling it with photos of them watching a sunrise with sleeping Squidward. Squidward shoved the album from his lap in disgust after seeing a Halloween themed photo in which his head was painted to look like a carved pumpkin. Now he regretted of accepting the invitation to Spongebob's "speed tea party". Maybe the speed part means it's quickly over, Squidward mused hopefully.

Spongebob came to the living room and put a tray that had a tea set and biscuits on the table. He poured tea to a porcelain cup and gave it to Squidward. Squidward took it and sipped it cautiously. It tasted normal. Good. He had grown to expect the unexpected from the sponge so he always had to be on his toes, even when it was just something simple as tea. Just when he was about to take an another sip of tea, Spongebob bounced up.

"TIME TO CHANGE PLACES!" he yelled excitedly.

Squidward growled for the unpleasant surprise. "SPONGEBOB!" he snapped, putting his tea cup on the table so Spongebob wouldn't accidentally spill the hot liquid on Squidward's lap. "Would you please stop being so fidgety?! Tea time is supposed to be calming and slow, not fast and restless like a fast food joint."

Spongebob looked at Squidward, abashed. He slowed down his jumping and sat back to his chair. "Oh. I'm sorry Squidward, I guess I have a thing or two to learn about tea parties", he said apologetically.

Squidward's frown softened. "I know this kind of stuff isn't your thing, Spongebob, so I really appreciate your effort." What was he saying?! Squidward was shocked how understanding he was being towards his insufferable neighbour. He blamed his lack of sleep and emotional breakdown earlier that day for this strange friendly behavior. Spongebob's grin was so happy that it made Squidward feel nauseous, so he then added quickly: "I wish you were calmer at work too. I hope nobody ever gives you sugar." He shuddered for the mental image of sugar high Spongebob. That would truly be a beginning of an apocalypse.

"Ta-hahaha! Oh Squidward, you are such a kidder!" Spongebob laughed and put six cubes of sugar in his tea.

"Mm-hmm, yeah, I was just kidding, yeah", Squidward said sarcastically while confiscating the sugar bowl and throwing it out of the window.

A silence fell around them as they focused to drink their tea and enjoy the little snacks Spongebob had brought from his kitchen. Squidward felt strangely serene. And in the company of his least favorite person! He never had thought Spongebob would be able to be silent for more than few seconds. The tea was calming Squidward's nerves. It felt good to unwind. Usually when he tried to relax at his house after work, his loud neighbours interrupted his attempts abruptly. But this time his neighbour had actually listened his plea for him to calm down and didn't hassle around for once.

Spongebob just looked Squidward with a smile on his face. Who had thought it was this easy to make Squidward feel happy, he thought in delight. Squidward wasn't so outgoing and social as Spongebob so Spongebob usually forgot to adjust his cheery demeanor to the cephalopod's liking. Now Squidward was spaced out in his thoughts with a small absent-minded smile on his face. I wish I could take a photo of this moment and add it to my scrapbook, Spongebob thought wistfully. Seeing his friend looking happy was so rare sight. I guess being a cashier isn't the lightest job in the sea, he wondered while looking at the Squidward's half-closed tired eyes.

After a while he pondered should he start some conversation with his guest. After all, wasn't that part of the tea party etiquette? His _speed_ tea party plan hadn't worked out but maybe it was for the best. That would have probably just maddened the squid.

"Would you like some more tea?" Spongebob asked when he had noticed the tea pot was empty.

"Oh, that would be lovely", Squidward said, returning from his daydream state.

Spongebob was about to go to kitchen when his phone started to ring. He hurried to answer to it.

"Oh hi Patrick!" he said happily when he heard his best friend's voice. "I'll come play with you later, Squidward and I are having a speed- I mean a slow tea party at the moment." Then he leaned closer to the phone and whispered loudly (Spongebob was one of those people whose whisper was louder than their normal voice): "Squidward was feeling down today because his speed dates were a total fiasco last night."

Squidward's happy smile turned back into a frown and the calm and content feeling vanished in a second. He sighed and rose from the couch. Good moments didn't last long in his life.

Spongebob was still on the phone when Squidward walked pass him and waved his tentacle to him.

"Oh well, I'm off to sleep. Thanks. Let's not do this again", the squid said with his normal deadbeat voice.

Spongebob dropped the phone in surprise and sprung towards Squidward, trying to prevent him opening the front door.

"Wait, Squidward! Surely you are not leaving yet? Did I say something wrong?! Let me offer you an apology cake!" Spongebob said with an agitated voice and grabbed a pink cake with neon-colored letters on it from his back pocket.

"Thanks for the attempt to make me feel better", Squidward said dryly while opening the door, completely ignoring Spongebob. "See ya tomorrow at work. Ugh. Bye."

The door slammed shut and Spongebob yelped. He wasn't sure had he exactly succeeded making Squidward forget his worries but at least the squid wasn't crying. It was certain Spongebob wasn't allowed to make him feel better anymore, considering the murdering glare of Squidward.

But that didn't mean no one else was going to make Squidward feel better, Spongebob slyly thought.

* * *

 _Hahaa, next chapter is going to be a riot!_


End file.
